Thinking...

Lately I've been thinking about how in times of celebration there tends to be a thread of despair.

I thought about Elisha's blog entry of Grandma's death anniversary - how it was nice to be together as a family even though we still grieve and miss her.

I remember Ate's wedding and how beautiful it was. Everyone got all excited by renting a limo, all the cousins were bridesmaids and people got all dressed up. I also remember the incident there that tore at my family after the ceremony. As angry and revengeful I wanted to be, I was touched and utterly grateful that my family stood behind us...wanting to protect us...but more specifically, standing behind my mom.

During Celeste's baptism, Tito Melvin and Christian specifically came up to me and hugged me. I LOVED it but I wondered why they did that because normally we don't do that. We greet each other with a hug but rarely have I ever hugged any of my guy family members goodbye. Then I realized, it was the first family gathering that a certain someone and his wife was there (but maybe thats not even the reason, I still appreciate it). I just want to reassure you that I am ok. But I can't begin to explain how loved I felt that they were concerned for me (or that they hugged me).

I also thought about Celeste's birthday and how awesome my family is for participating and dressing up. It was hilarious! But there was a undertone of sadness...of concern. Its so true that in times of despair, people unite. Please know that my heart breaks for you guys...and I am praying.

Its times like this my faith in God is shaken. I ask questions "why?" or even worse...silence. Thankfully, I am usually never left there in the darkness. I am reminded of the celebration...of the gathering of my family...the love we share even though its not always said or even shown. I also know that God doesn't always work in the way I want him to...and that's hard.

It makes me think about how sometimes life sucks...this world sucks! Why can't it just be all good? But God gives us glimpses of his hope...that it doesn't end here. It doesn't minimize the grief of the situation but instead shows that God's heart breaks too. He grieves with us. And he won't leave us in the darkness, if we honestly seek him...even though our feelings or thoughts say otherwise.

I just want to thank you...for your concern, for your love, for grieving with me...

I love you